Crooked little bird bath of freedom

Temporary.  Like an ugly eye floater that refuses to center itself - that alludes me with every sideways glance but won't go the fuck away for good, happiness. Get over here and lay eggs in my skin, spread into my lymph nodes and become an inoperable mass of happiness.  Like a splinter in my foot, take a life time to travel to my brain - never leave, never outgrow me, never seep from an open wound.  Linger like an STD. 

click it

  me when i am dreaming

Instinkt

If I had a beak and a pebble fell and hit it, I'd get out of the way.  If I was an antelope and I heard the grass rustle, I'd run.  If I was cheetah, I wouldn't chase a mouse for meat.  If I was a flower, I wouldn't bend to the shade. But, I am a woman - I lean into the wind not to steady myself but see how long I can stand before you blow me over. I chase the meatless, look in the shade for the light. I believe the liar. I sleep next to the lite match, caress my healed burns and cry when I am burnt in the morning.  I build my house while the tornado blows. I am a fool with large eyes, a confused monkey whose instincts were checked at the threshold of my mother's womb.

But, like a stupid ram who picks a fight with a mountain, I wait for your loose parts to crumble. 

Sub-atomia what?

We are a combination of the states of two systems that once interacted but were then separated and are not each in a definite state. Us cats are both dead and alive.

potato chips

What if I am only the bag it came in?  Empty now.  My insides have been eaten up, and nothing but greasy discharge left inside.  There is only so much of everything, and sometimes there is just no more. Can't move, any step is a misstep.  mistake.  My circuits are down, my signal is busy. I am broken heart. I am failed mission.  I am disappointed - ment. I am thirst. I can't find you. You can't send a letter to a bird. Closeness and distance are equally uncomfortable.  

Post Tits

My belly pushed out past my crouch today...it is swollen with uncertainity and water.

ass-etes

No beeping, no chiming - it just lays there like a flattened, dead beetle.  It has lights, but refuses to use them - it has a soul, but refuses to show me.  It has information, but refuses to give it to me.  It is obstinate and willful and I would have sex with it if I could. But, it probably wouldn't have sex with me, and then it would discover an entire new way to reject and mock me.  Or, maybe it would have sex with me but then laugh when it was over and ask me if I ever slept with anyone before.  You are a cruel cunt with plastic edges and useless inputs.

Closed for Business

Voided for approval.  Processed for termination.  Continued Cancellation. Can't keep my eyes open, what do they think they are going to see if they shut.  Why do they keep trying to close, when closed is as bad as opened? Really no difference, open or closed. You are just like that cat, both dead and alive to me - out is space - both things existing at once.

__--___---___---

I grumble into your mouth until you spit up all my words without digesting a syllable.

this + that = this - that

I think I breathed today...wasn't sure but it felt like I took a breath.  Something happened which felt like I exhaled, but I couldn't quite feel the inhale, but maybe it happened.  I don't think I've taken a breath in three months. I wonder if I didn't use my arm for three months, would it fall off.  I wonder how it would feel to move it after three months.  Maybe, when you don't breathe for that long you forget what it feels like to breathe, and then you don't know when you start again.  It feels good to breathe.  I wonder if I will breathe again tomorrow.

What this would've been...

We would have finally got around to painting.  You would have picked a beautiful ring with maybe a petite diamond to accentuate my long fingers.  We would have announced to your family first, and they would have cheered.  And, then we would have called my mom, and she would have cried.  We would have fought about music, and you would have drank too much at least five more times - I would bring up calling the whole thing off at least three times.  But, we wouldn't.  I would have made all the plans and gotten upset that this didn't seem important to you and you would say "well, its not important to me"  and I would cry after you fell asleep. We'd wake up in the morning and I would be fine.  We would have had a super simple time, maybe outdoors and I would have stressed about a dress, but would have found  beautiful one and I would have lost those last 10lbs that would make all the difference.  You would have gotten older, and better.  You would have seen me there with you for so long, and relished in your partnership.  You would have cheated once, and I would have forgiven you.  We would go to counseling for a time, but realize we weren't getting much from it.  I would have started talking about having a baby, you would have said you weren't ready.  I would ask for a timeline, you would say three years, I would remind you about my aging eggs and you would say that was the best you could do.  I would wait three years, and then you would ask for a bit more time and I would give it to you.  I would get pregnant and have a baby.  You would be weird-ed out at how happy you are with such a provincial act.  I would have quit my job, and be done with school.  You would quit your job right after the baby which would be scary but you just couldn't handle it anymore.  You be out of the house too much, but I would try not bother you about it because I would know you were trying.  We would try to get our parents to babysit, but my mom was getting a littler older and tired and your dad left town.  We would only have the one child and we would fight about her and I would think you didn't think i was beautiful anymore.  We would travel to europe three more times before we were 40.  At least one time with the baby.  She would get older, we would talk about buying a condo.  You would say you needed more time before that, I would tell you that there is never a perfect time and now is the time.  You would concede.  Our little girl would get older and go to school.  You would have your cars built and your business working.  I would be finding out that I don't actually like the work my degree is suited for and I would find jobs working from home. You would look at me like maybe you made a mistake.  I  would look at you like maybe this is too much work.  I would remember I love you and you would remember I was the only one there the whole time. I am family and you are family and she is family and now we are family and that would finally be enough.  You would start to cough from all the materials you breathe in, you would start to ache from all accidents you got into while you were driving.  You would be handsome grown up with a big belly and small eyes.  I would keep myself fit for a while and start accepting my age.  I would be happy we are there together.  You would still be a little unsure and you would hate me a little for making you do this.  You would die before me and I would want to die right after.  I would see you old and tired and I would have lived with you for 40 years and I would be the only person who knew everything there was to know about you and I would know everything you wanted and didn't get and wanted and did get. And, you would never really know me. I would cry like I cried that time we broke up and I felt so alone but harder and less angry. I would know what it was like to have love pulled from deep inside my bellybutton and tossed on the street.

none

If I could only figure out how to shoot somebody who out drew me...me, but me....but me...but me.  Stop. My head races nowhere, it had nowhere to go. It fell on the floor along side my dirty socks.

So...

How honest am I supposed to be on this thing - where is this information going.  Hello?

What this should have been...

This was supposed to be a wedding blog...but, now it is not.

Today I looked at my reflection is my kitchen window until it broke up in to small pieces and I could no longer see it.  

I went into the shower.